I still cannot believe that Mr. Barlow's first appearance in 1979's Salem's Lot did not earn a slot in the 100 Scariest Movie Moments.PS - I am not listening to J. Astro, LALALALALA!
Monday, July 20, 2009
Enjoy Mr. Barlow
I still cannot believe that Mr. Barlow's first appearance in 1979's Salem's Lot did not earn a slot in the 100 Scariest Movie Moments.
Headsongs - Part 26
Angry Chair - Alice In Chains
I find it disturbing and insulting that Layne Staley's 2002 death was barely mentioned by the media.
That fucker had the voice - and the face - of an angel.
Today's Biggest WTF?! Moment...
I suppose the message here is: "Eat your daily dose of potassium or the Red Death will come to claim your soul."
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Underrated Films - Part 26
Das Indische Grabmal (The Indian Tomb) - 1921
Okay, so maybe the 6 foot plus German Conrad Veidt didn't make the most convincing East Indian prince...but who cares? He looks damn sexy in a headdress. Not many men can pull that shit off.
Okay, so maybe the 6 foot plus German Conrad Veidt didn't make the most convincing East Indian prince...but who cares? He looks damn sexy in a headdress. Not many men can pull that shit off.
This Could Work
Nobody was a bigger Elm Street fan than I was, back in the day.I paid to see every film in the theater (sometimes more than once) and owned every film on VHS.
I had a poster of Freddy on my closet door.
I wanted to be his girlfriend.
Yes, I am disturbed - deeply disturbed.
But I gotta say...this 2010 remake may not be such a bad idea.
Look, obviously no one is ever going to replace Robert Englund as Freddy, but if it were anyone but Jackie Earle Haley who had agreed to take it on, I'd be a lot more dubious.
I'm thinking of Haley's Krueger as being a cross between Rorschach and Kelly Leak: all of the angry intensity of the adult vigilante combined with the immature hormonal perversity of his Bad News Bears persona. Plus, he's got that whole Short Man thing going on.
And I gotta be honest: I sat down and watched the first Elm Street just a week or two ago and, really, it hasn't aged very well. Freddy himself remains perfect, but the storyline and characters seem to have disintegrated around him. A lot of the acting is woodenly awful, especially from Heather Langenkamp and Ronee Blakely. And that ending? I thought it was retarded the first time I saw it.
There are, of course, a plethora of seminal images from the original which can never be improved upon: the shot of Freddy's elongated arms in the alleyway, the sight of Tina's body being dragged through the school hallways, even the sound effects remain genuinely creepy - a mixture of human screams and lambs bleats. But overall, the basic story could stand an airing out and a dusting off. In the right hands, it could even be one of those rare creatures: a remake that's actually not crap.
April 16, 2010 is the scheduled release date.
Cross yer fingers.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
MothMan
My article on The Mothman is up over on Brutal As Hell.
Just so's ya know.
If I don't start getting threatening phone calls from the MIB's I am going to be really disappointed.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Good Old Fashioned Nightmare Fodder
Is it wrong that I kinda wish I had one of these, just so I could slip it into some poor, unsuspecting little brats closet, or perhaps under their bed? Instant life scarification, right then and there!I worry about me sometimes.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
The Haunting In Connecticut
Well, that was an hour and 46 minutes that could have been spent more productively. I could have sponged up those hairballs that the cats spewed all over the rug, or perhaps vacuumed the closet. Y'know, I'm not even sure I buy the true story behind this movie, but even it - in all of its hotly debated dubiousness - was far more interesting and much scarier than this pile of regurgitated ectoplasm. There's not a lucid storyline to be found anywhere in this dung heap. The only thing this movie made me feel was sorry for Elias Koteas, who looked rather embarrassed about the whole thing, especially when forced to vomit up the melodramatic dialog force fed to him by some very untalented screenwriters. I might have felt sorrier for Virginia Madsen if I hadn't sat through The Number 23 last year.
Oh, and I love the part where Wendy gets attacked in the shower. "Oh my, I have just nearly been suffocated by a possessed shower curtain. Huh. Oh well." And off she goes, tra la tra la, not looking the least been concerned.
Just once I'd like to see a horror movie supposedly "based on actual events" stick to its fucking source material! Because this was crap - boring, unscary, stupid crap. The TV show "A Haunting In Connecticut" was way better than this...and if you've ever watched that sillyass show, you know this is a sad state of affairs indeed.
Hope Kyle Gallner fares better in the Nightmare on Elm Street remake due out next year. I rather liked him, despite this film.
Today's Biggest WTF?! Moment...
I'm just going to go ahead and assume that they're watching Every Which Way But Loose and be done with it.
New Boyfriend
PS - Please bathe at least once a day, do not exhibit any sociopathic and/or paranoid-possessive tendencies and never under any circumstances use the phrase: "That's so money!" to describe something of which you are overtly fond. If you are reading this, and think you might qualify, look around: Are there any empty Cheetos bags/beer cans in your immediate vicinity? Have you laundered your boxers recently? Are you taking a break from World Of Warcraft to read this? Or are you practicing burping the alphabet whilst waiting for your pot dealer to arrive? If you can answer YES to any of the above, please consider my offer null and void. Oh, and please do not reproduce. Ever. Just die in obscurity surrounded by empty Jack-In-The-Box wrappers and laundry that last saw the inside of a washer during the Clinton administration.
Thank you.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Currently Reading...
So far - finding it enjoyable.My only beef: Lovecraft was NOT a white supremacist, and I wish the characters would stop referring to him as such.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Brutal As Hell - Updated
New reviews are up for:
Homecoming
Night Train
Deadgirl
Black Torment
Simon Says
Born
Platoon of the Dead
and many more.
Plus, new articles by Marc Patterson, who interviews Marcel Sarmiento and Gadi Harel - the directors of Deadgirl
Benjamin Bussey - who takes us on a tour of the worst vacation spots in the horror world
and Natalie Slater's latest recipe for a hellraising antipasta.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Underrated Films - Part 25
Looking For Richard - 1996Who the hell even reads Shakespeare anymore anyway? Especially Richard the Third. It's so confusing, all those different people with the same names and a cast so big you can't keep track of everyone or why they matter and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Al Pacino takes a shot at explaining Richard the Third in the simplest of terms, using an ensemble cast to act out certain scenes and interviewing a vast array of characters - from theater critics to Brooklyn's homeless - to share their feelings about Shakespeare and why exactly he should matter.
I wasn't particularly impressed with Winona Ryder's unimaginative insights into the character of Lady Anne, and her English accent hasn't improved since Bram Stoker's Dracula, but overall this is fascinating shit: insightful, funny and very moving. Estelle Parsons delivery of Queen Margaret's curse gives me the chills without fail, every time.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
CrispinGloverophobia
I've met my share of famous people.
I've met my share of weird people.
I've even met my share of weird, famous people.
But I would be loathe to meet Crispin Glover, even if he were fully restrained and heavily sedated with 10 feet of aquarium glass topped with barbed wire between us.
The guy just scares the shit out of me.
PS - I'll be reviewing this film soon over on Brutal As Hell.
Obituary
John A. Keel | 'Mothman' author, 79
John A. Keel, 79, author of The Mothman Prophecies, died Friday, July 3rd, of congestive heart failure at a Manhattan hospital, his friend Larry "Ratso" Sloman said Tuesday.
The Mothman Prophecies was loosely adapted into a movie in 2002 about paranormal phenomena starring Richard Gere and Alan Bates.
Mr. Keel was born Alva John Kiehle. He was best known for his writings about unidentified flying objects and the paranormal. In his 1970 book UFOs: Operation Trojan Horse, he linked UFO reports to mysterious phenomena over the centuries.
The Mothman Prophecies was Mr. Keel's account of his 1966-67 investigation into sightings in West Virginia of a strange winged creature called the Mothman.
If coincidences are just coincidences, why do they feel so contrived?
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Headsongs - Part 21
Unknown Rider - Second Coming
I can no longer listen to this song
without hearing Shaun and Ed
arguing in my head:
ED: Second Coming?
SHAUN: I like it!
Score!
What an awesome fucking day! Ran out to the grocery store for some sushi and found Hellboy 2: The Golden Army for $7.99. W00t!Have I mentioned the fact that I have a crush on Abe Sapien? Is that weird?
Swung by the used bookstore and nabbed a copy of The Mothman Prophecies for $2. Also had to listen to some old coot make an unsuccessful pass at the teenage girl behind the counter. Eewww. I think the fact that he was looking for Bill O'Reilly books did him in, quite frankly.
Speaking of used bookstores, have you ever noticed that none of them ever seem to have H.P. Lovecraft in stock? It's simultaneously cool and frustrating.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Like a Slide Whistle with a Head Cold
After much painful soul searching and hours of agonizing consideration, I have finally decided to go public with my opinion.
Of all of Godzilla's many opponents and sidekicks, Anguirus makes the coolest noise.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
I Hated It - Sue Me (Part 11)
King Kong - 2005What the fuck was Peter Jackson thinking? Had the success of his LOTR series (which I loved, by the way) gone to his head and explode out the top? Because this totally unnecessary remake of King Kong was a fucking mess.
1 - Jack Black gets on my nerves.
2 - Who the hell told Naomi Watts that she could act? And she thought she deserved an Oscar for her expressionless performance in this turd? What a twat. I can't believe Heath Ledger actually fucked her.
3 - I don't have a 3. I just thought this was way overlong, way overdone and way stupid. Except for Thomas Kretschmann as Captain Englehorn. Grrr. I don't usually venture into Blond Land but for him, I make exceptions. Yum.
PS - Okay, the triple T-Rex attack was kinda fun, but seriously...barf-o-rama all things considered.
Disney Nasty
Born
Dear Movie,
I am currently the owner and operator of a slightly disused vagina. However, I would like you to know that I am seriously considering growing a penis - a really BIG penis - just so you and everyone involved with you can suck on it. Suck it dry, bitch.
Seriously, wtf? What the fuck IS this?! Cuz it's not a movie. More like a cinematic equivalent of what my intestines would do if I were to consume 40 pounds of Taco Bell and wash it down with a couple of gallons of prune juice. I could have stared at a dead dogs ass for an hour and a half and been far more entertained.
Congratulations, Born. You have won a place in my personal Top 5 Movies That I Wanted To Murder list, right smack in between Mr. Jingles and Succubus: Hellbent (which I prefer to call Sucks-A-Lot Get Bent, and yes Mr. Director of that last movie, I DID get your email and I'd like to officially thank you for proving to me what a Grade Z moronic fucksnack you are).
I demand an apology from this movie for wasting my precious time. Some flowers wouldn't hurt either. And a box of candy.
Now!
PS - Hey Kane - c'mon man! You don't need a paycheck THAT bad, do ya?
I am currently the owner and operator of a slightly disused vagina. However, I would like you to know that I am seriously considering growing a penis - a really BIG penis - just so you and everyone involved with you can suck on it. Suck it dry, bitch.
Seriously, wtf? What the fuck IS this?! Cuz it's not a movie. More like a cinematic equivalent of what my intestines would do if I were to consume 40 pounds of Taco Bell and wash it down with a couple of gallons of prune juice. I could have stared at a dead dogs ass for an hour and a half and been far more entertained.
Congratulations, Born. You have won a place in my personal Top 5 Movies That I Wanted To Murder list, right smack in between Mr. Jingles and Succubus: Hellbent (which I prefer to call Sucks-A-Lot Get Bent, and yes Mr. Director of that last movie, I DID get your email and I'd like to officially thank you for proving to me what a Grade Z moronic fucksnack you are).
I demand an apology from this movie for wasting my precious time. Some flowers wouldn't hurt either. And a box of candy.
Now!
PS - Hey Kane - c'mon man! You don't need a paycheck THAT bad, do ya?
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
Happy 4th
See the little dark haired girl on the right? Yeah, that's my grandmother. No, I'm not kidding. Anyway, Happy booze-soaked, firework-filled Fourth Of July.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
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